Tales From The Tunnel: The Experience That Is The New York Subway

I’ve been on a bit of a blog hiatus and thought I’d finally write a post about riding the subway because it’s something I do everyday and some of the things I see never seem to amaze me (or make me want to run away in fear). In this post I’m going to describe some of the funniest and most unforgettable moments I’ve had while riding the subway in my almost two years in the city.

If these occurrences happen to be a bit embellished, so be it. You’ll never know the truth anyway. So without further adieu, here is my life underground summed up in just over 1000 words.

The “Show Time” Dancing Guys
For those living in the city, you already know what I’m talking about. Groups of people, usually teens, ride some of the longest subway stops back and forth for hours dancing (on poles) and sometimes doing tricks with baseball caps to make money. They are easy for a seasoned subway rider to spot, typically the kid carrying the old school 90’s boom box is a dead giveaway. They are also notorious for exclaiming, “Show time ladies and gentlemen!” before performing. These guys are actually pretty entertaining, flying around the car like a perfect mix between a monkey and a stripper. They do flips, jump from pole to pole without touching the ground and even entice the occasional fist bump from riders. The tourists always think this is the coolest thing ever, while everyone else who sees them weekly is thinking, “If you kick me in the head, I swear to God shit is going down on this train.” I’ve learned to be pretty good at ignoring them and have also learned their schedules to a T so I can avoid certain trains if I need to. If you’re intrigued to see these individuals in person, feel free to jump on the L train between Manhattan and Brooklyn or other various stops on the 4, 5 and Q trains.

No Shame Pissing Homeless Guys
Sometimes you wonder why New York always smells like piss, then you realize there are no public bathrooms, inevitably making the streets and subways a giant urinal. For the most part, people are pretty discreet when trying to urinate in public, but I’ve seen a number of homeless guys in the subway with absolutely no shame. While carefully placing his bottle of vodka down, I saw one guy drop his drawers right in the middle of a crowded platform. A few other times I’ve seen a more respectable gentleman pee on the wall, but while still taking time to harass people mid stream with choice words. As a disclaimer, I’m not trying to pick on the homeless people.

This Little Light of Mine
While riding the 1 train near West Village, as I used to do for work every morning, I would sometimes get my morning dose of gospel music courtesy of a quartet of gentleman. It wouldn’t happen very frequently, (like a Browns win on Sunday, except we’ve already got a win this year…boom!) but it was entertaining none the less. When it happened it was like you could hear them coming. A whisper, growing louder and louder until it sounded like you were in the middle of a baptist church in the south. Once these guys got up to full volume, the energy on the train would usually swing from glum to somewhat cheerful (and on a train in the morning before work, that’s saying something). Sometimes people would even sing along. I have to admit, these guys are one of the few groups of train performers I can stand.

Incense Man Between 6th and 7th
When traveling from Brooklyn to West Village you have to transfer from the L train, which cuts east and west to the 1 train, that runs north and south. To do this, you must walk a few blocks under the street in a tunnel, which I have pleasantly nicknamed “the shit tunnel.” Although I’ve named this tunnel for obvious reasons (see #2) there is one man there everyday that makes it a little bit better. Like a well oiled machine, a middle aged man stands in the tunnel every morning and afternoon selling comic books and incense. And although I’m pretty sure the comic books are counterfeit, he makes up for it by burning incense samples and making the tunnel smell like slightly less of a high school football locker room. So for that Incense Man, I solute you.

Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
One gentleman makes my work commute interesting a few days a week, to say the least. For those of you who don’t know, the Union Square subway stop on 14th Street is typically filled with performers of all types. From singers and dancers to tarot card readers and jugglers, you never really know what to expect. Then, there’s “Dance Like Nobody’s Watching Guy.” Typically sporting a thong and some other combination of leather garments, this guy blares the likes of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” while frolicking around, sometimes even delighting the large crowd that gathers with raunchy pelvis gyrations, straight out of Miley Cyrus’s playbook. To be honest, he’s kind of fun to watch and baits tourists in like he’s the top wrangler in the Bassmaster series. Next time I cross paths with this fella, I’ll be sure to share it on Snapchat (brock0lee is my name if you’re wondering).

J Train Party
For the most part, when weird things happen on the train, I don’t really think much of them. But one night on the J Train in Brooklyn I couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable. I forget exactly what I was doing in Manhattan on a weeknight, but I found myself riding the J Train home at about one in the morning. The train was mostly empty as it made its way across the Williamsburg Bridge, but once we got to the first stop in Brooklyn, the party (as I call it) started. Four men got on the train and immediately starting drinking out of bottles covered by brown paper bags and playing music on a small stereo. At that point I was like, “OK this is pretty normal,” but at every train stop it seemed like more began to happen. First they were smoking cigarettes (which made the car smell terrible). Then came the weed. And finally something white in rock form (I’m going to go out on a limb and say crack). Once this happened and the train was fully engulfed in smoke, the men started arguing loudly with one another to the point where I thought a fight was going to break out. When I finally got to my train stop, I smelled like I had been out partying with Cheech and Chong. Thankfully nobody had gotten into a fight by that point, although I don’t know how long that lasted once I got off. Now, I’ve been to my fair share of parties and have seen a lot of crazy things, but this was by far one party I did not want to be a part of.

Sports Card Guy
Another recognizable character on the L Train is “Sports Card Guy.” Like the name dictates, this man walks from car to car trying to sell sports cards for money. But what makes me laugh about this guy is how he calls out the people he knows are trying to avoid him (snooty people from Williamsburg are his favorite targets). While making his rounds down the train car, he sleekly passes by the folks trying to ignore him, but when they least expect it, he snaps his head around and asks, “Anybody home?” I’ve never actually bought a sports card from this guy, but I think I owe him a few bucks for the enjoyment I get watching some entitled yuppy spill their Starbucks.

So as you can see, there are definitely some characters riding the subways of New York. Some are better than others, but together they all make up what makes NYC transit unique. The folks I’ve outlined above just scratch the surface of some of the interesting people you can find on the subway, but until next time that’s all I’ve got.

For my next post, I think I’ll give a play by play of a night out in Manhattan. I hope you’re ready for that. It could get dicey.

Why People In New York Are Always Late

One thing I’ve noticed after living here for a year is that no one is on time for anything, EVER. I guess I was always under the impression if you’re early, you’re on time and if you’re on time, you’re late. I guess that theory never reached the east coast. I now find myself being late to everything on purpose just so I don’t have to stand around acting like I’m doing stuff on my phone (post coming about that soon). Although I know I can make it somewhere on time 95% of the time, I will give all the slackers the benefit of the doubt and outline a few factors that could be causing this phenomenon.

Traffic: We have some of the worst traffic in the country, but who drives anyway?

Train Delays: I get it, trains are late sometimes, but people can’t use this excuse every time. It’s like the kid in college who had nine grandmas die in four years.

Getting Lost: If you are relatively new to the city, I understand, but come on, have you heard of Google maps?

Working Late: OK, I get it, sometimes you do get stuck on a project late in the day, but 99% of the time you are just messing around on Twitter, Reddit and Facebook all day. Let’s be real.

Times Square: Let’s face it, getting anywhere in Times Square or having to travel through it is a pain. Here’s the tip, NEVER go there to begin with, and if you have to, don’t.

Naps: If I’m taking a nap, I can always sleep just a few more minutes. Then I realize that it takes an hour to get where I’m going.

Pregaming: If you are having a few drinks before going to the bar, you tend to lose track of time. Meeting at 11 somehow turns into 12:30 rather quickly. Please drink responsibly.

This list could go on for days, but I guess my point is that being late is often times the fault of nobody but yourself. Please everybody, can we just learn to be punctual, I’ve got better things to do than wait on you.

7 CMU Hangouts and NYC Equivalents

Being my second year after graduating from Central Michigan University, I can’t help but always draw comparisons of my current surroundings to those of my college past. With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of prominent CMU hangout spots with similar spaces in New York City. I thought this could provide some context for any CMU students who plan on visit the city or move for internships and jobs.

1. Wayside Central: It can be the best of nights or the worst of nights. We all know this CMU staple and can probably tell a great story about something out of the ordinary that has gone on there. I was always a culprit of dancing in the cages myself. Who says those are for girls only, that’s complete sexism. By the time you’re a senior, it’s the one bar you say you’ll never go to on a weekend; that is until you have a few too many Fireball shots and decide you want to dance.

Webster Hall/Pacha – With the exception of overpriced drinks, these two places hit the nail on the head when it comes to a comparative spot. Think loud music, crowds and highly intoxicated patrons ranging predominantly from 18-30. Both are considered night clubs, but often have musical acts and DJs in to perform. If you show up after midnight, don’t expect to be comfortable. These places turn into a hot, sticky swamp fest faster than you can say “Fuck Western” (trust me I tested it once).

2. Student Activity Center: If you are looking for a place to work out, play IM sports or just lounge around in the pool, the SAC is the place to be. I recall a few IM championships in that building (check the lower-level gym wall for proof).

NY Sports Club/Equinox/Planet Fitness: As far as working out goes in NYC, these are your three best options with locations all across the city. For those of you who have a bit more money, (the Copper Beach types) NY Sports Club and Equinox offer a higher-end gym experience with personal trainers and the occasional swimming pool, which is a rarity in New York. Planet fitness is for all of you normal folk with a price tag of $10 per month, but don’t expect anything glorious except free pizza on Mondays, which kind of defeats the purpose of a gym in my opinion.

3. Island Park: During the warmer months, which are few and far between in Michigan, Island Park offers a great spot for volleyball, picnics and CMU’s unofficial campus sport, tubing. During my four years on campus, I spent many days there (some not so clear after an afternoon on the Chip) working out, attending events or just relaxing, but what was I to do entering the concrete jungle of NYC?

McCarren, Prospect and Central Park: If there is one thing New York has an abundance of, it’s parks. If you’re looking to do everything and then some, these three parks have you covered. The big two on the list are Prospect of Brooklyn and of course Central Park, but McCarren also offers a great space for those of us living near Williamsburg. Besides the beautiful scenery and great views of the city, there are so many things to take in at these parks. I once saw a roller disco of men in speedos. I nearly stripped down and joined them, but that’s a story for another day.

4. Downtown Bars: Many students, who are of legal age of course, love making the trip down Main Street to enjoy a beverage or twelve. The Bird, Marty’s, Blackstone and Blue Gator are the typical spots serving up the ever-popular $2 doubles, fishbowls and $1.50 Bud Lights. These may not be the classiest establishments, but with good friends and cheap drinks, you can’t go wrong.

Williamsburg: If you’re sick of paying $8 for a beer, Williamsburg has plenty of hangouts serving up drinks at affordable prices. My beverage of choice is usually a Budweiser and shot of whiskey for $5. Like downtown Mt. Pleasant, these bars are for people that don’t feel like dressing up to go out. They’re more about the clientele, rather than serving over-priced drinks to make people feel like they have some sort of status. A few bars in Williamsburg even give you the opportunity to bring your dogs along to enjoy a drink. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, I suggest checking out Skinny Dennis, Rosemary’s and Union Pool.

5. Kelly Shorts, Events Center and Theunissen Stadium: If you’re a CMU sports fan or just an avid tailgater, you’ve obviously been to one of these sporting complexes on campus (sober or not). One of the best perks about being a student at CMU is the opportunity to watch all sporting events for free. I’m still upset I never made it to a gymnastics meet (sigh).

Citi Field, Yankee Stadium, MetLife Stadium and Madison Square Garden: New York is a mecca for sports teams with two professional baseball, basketball, football and hockey teams. During the overlap months in professional sports, there are tons of opportunities to see at least one sporting event per week. I’m not a New York sports fan, but I did have the chance to see my Cincinnati Reds play the Yankees and the Mets this season. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to watch the Cavilers dominate the Knicks and Nets this winter.

6. Down Under Food Court: Once you get sick of the residential restaurants, or live off campus, the Down Under becomes a staple of your diet. I was always a fan of the nachos, but would sometimes settle for the pasta, salad or burgers. It was always convenient to be able to grab some good food and hang out with friends or study between classes.

Smorgasburg: To escape the typical dining scene in New York, many residents flock to Smorgasburg, a gathering of all things food. Vendors roll into a few different locations in Brooklyn and Manhattan where people can try different food offerings inspired by cultures around the world. Did I also mention that local brewers are there with beer? It’s a little pricey, but worth the opportunity to try unique food offerings from local chefs. You can also pick up crafts and artwork from local designers and artists.

7. Riverwood: If you’ve been bowling or golfing in Mt. Pleasant, you’ve probably been to Riverwood. With a number of different bowling leagues, live music and cheap golf, it’s a great spot to blow off some steam. I still enjoy seeing the pictures of my friends during their drunken “bad bowler Mondays” league and can remember my fair share Happy Gilmore swings and gutter balls from my time spent there.

Brooklyn Bowl and Chelsea Piers: Brooklyn Bowl is a unique bowling alley and concert venue located right next door to the Brooklyn Brewing Company in Williamsburg. It brings in big acts and gives you the opportunity to bowl while still having a great view of the show. Show tickets are usually reasonably priced (around $25) and beers are about five bucks, so it’s a great alternative to seeing a show at other music venues in the area. Chelsea Piers offers a driving range on the shore of the Hudson River in Manhattan. It’s basically a gigantic net looking out of the river to Jersey City. If you’re looking to get in a few swings in on your lunch break, this is basically your only option with the exception of putt-putt.